Remembering Those Movie Guys Vol. 3 – Pigeon Lady from “Home Alone 2”
We’re back again with another edition of Remembering Those Movie Guys. The blog series where we sit back and reminisce about those characters in movies that you totally remember but also remember nothing about.
So who are we profiling this week? A woman that’s as sweet as she is wise. And probably as poor as she is rank with body odor. The homeless pigeon breeder herself, Pigeon Lady from “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.”
Alright, so we all know the story of The Kevin That Lost His Way. Little Kevin McCallister, who’s smart and savvy enough to fully weaponize his home and fend off two professional thieves, can’t recognize his dad in the airport and follows a stranger onto a plane destined for New York City.
A totally believable premise. In just every way shape and form. The unbelievable part of this story is, of course, who he befriends. A plump, sweet homeless lady covered in pigeons. And that’s who we’re gonna break down today.
Now, the first thing to discuss is the actual level of desperation and homelessness our homely, wise, caked in pigeon shit friend is in. Because it doesn’t seem all that bad. She’s never hungry. And never asks for food. It’s actually quite the opposite, because she’s actually quite plump. For a homeless person, she appears pretty well fed. So she’s either got a well stocked cupboard of food at “home” or there’s a series of tumors rapidly metastasizing underneath that rosy complexion of hers.
And she never once asks for money. She doesn’t beg. She isn’t busking in the park for cash. Or selling any bona fide, only made by the finest homeless artisans in Central Park arts and crafts. She is presumably self sufficient. Because let’s remember too. She’s not just providing food and shelter for her old ass self. She’s got mouths to feed, baby. She has specially tailored clothing that’s both thick enough to keep her warm during the daunting New York winters and also lined with pockets to stuff pigeon feed in for her children. So yeah if homeless were a game, I think our pigeon lady would be winning it because she’s definitely on the high end of the Homeless Spectrum.
But that is the rub, and certainly is something worth considering. And that is, is our pigeon lady actually homeless? Because after all, she does look exactly like shit head, British, tabloid journalist Piers Morgan.
Now, the resemblance is obviously uncanny. I’ll let you be the judge. The question then to answer is what is Piers Morgan doing in this universe? Well, we must remember that Donald Trump does exist in the Home Alone universe. So if Kevin McCallister can meet Mr. Trump doing his thing glad-handing at a fancy hotel, then it’s not out of the realm of possibility that Kevin could meet Piers Morgan doing his thing cosplaying as a plump, homeless pigeon hoarder. The man, after all, is a tabloid journalist in the UK. So he’s totally in his element living in the gutter.
But let’s assume that our deliciously plump pigeon lady is indeed who she claims to be. And that she’s just a broken hearted woman that gave up the hope of living and starting over once the love of her life left her.
Who could this man be? And what type of life did she have before turning to an existence of treating pigeon shit as some type of skin care treatment?
Well let’s consider what she likes to do. She loves animals. Obviously. She lives in woods next to some big buildings. And she has a fondness for palling around and mentoring mischievous young boys. That’s right gang, her soulmate was none other than the magical half man, half giant himself. Hagrid. From Harry Potter.
I’ll save the research and the facts for another blog post. Because the timelines add up pretty damn perfectly. And it’d be fun imagining what Kevin McCallister could at Hogwarts and magic at his disposal palling around with Harry and the gang. But just remember this. Hagrid was such a great fuck, that the pigeon lady decided life wasn’t living anymore with out him.
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