Boot Krewe Media’s 100% accurate, completely serious 2021 Saints schedule analysis and prediction

Now that we know who the Saints will be playing and when they’ll be playing them in 2021, the time has come for Boot Krewe Media to gaze into its crystal ball and make a totally serious, definitely not wrong prediction as to how the regular season will unfold…

VS Green Bay Packers (3:25 PM, FOX) – With Marshon Lattimore suspended 4 games following his March arrest for receiving stolen property, Patrick Robinson and rookie Paulson Adebo start at cornerback against Aaron Rodgers (whose rift with the team has mysteriously been mended) and the Packers.  The CB duo gets eviscerated during a shootout in which Jameis Winston’s 4 TDs aren’t enough to out-duel Rodgers.  Saints fall 42-35 (0-1).

AT Carolina Panthers (Noon, FOX) – The secondary has a bounce-back game against Sam Darnold, who appears to have been permanently ruined by Adam “The B-hole” Gase.  Adebo records his first career INT and Winston has another strong game, perhaps burying the Saints’ QB debate once and for all.  Saints win 31-10 (1-1).  

AT New England Patriots (Noon, FOX) – Just when everyone thought Winston was the unquestioned starter, Sean Payton sticks it to Bill Belichick with a surprisingly Taysom-heavy attack.  In only three attempts, Taysom Hill throws for more yards than Cam Newton has in two full games and change.  Saints roll, 27-3 (2-1).

VS New York Giants (Noon, FOX) – This time, after breaking a long run, Giants QB Daniel Jones is sniped by C.J. Gardner-Johnson instead of no one.  Jones lights up the Saints’ undermanned secondary for 5 total TDs in a surprisingly competitive effort, but Winston continues his strong season by leading the Saints to victory on the final drive in a 45-42 thriller (3-1).

AT Washington Football Team (Noon, CBS) – The Saints lay an egg on the road, despite Lattimore’s return from suspension.  This one becomes a war of attrition on the ground, with WFT’s Antonio Gibson scoring the game’s only touchdown in a 13-9 dud (3-2).

AT Seattle Seahawks (7:15 PM, ESPN) – Two of the league’s top three passers (Winston and Russell Wilson) face off on Monday Night Football.  When Jameis hits Deonte Harris for a wide open deep bomb, the cameras catch Wilson looking forlornly at the Saints sideline.  Saints win, 35-21 (4-2).

VS Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3:25 PM, FOX) – The game of the year thus far.  Tom Brady and the 5-1 Bucs come to town in a battle for first place in the NFC South.  The Saints lose when DE Marcus Davenport coughs on Brady, drawing a roughing the passer penalty that moves Tampa into field goal range for the go-ahead kick as time expires.  The Saints go down, 31-28 (4-3).

VS Atlanta Falcons (Noon, FOX) – The Saints win a laugher against the now Julio-less Falcons.  In true Falcons fashion, rookie tight end Kyle Pitts has an astounding seven touchdown catches reversed by penalty and Atlanta is shut out of the end zone.  Saints win, 37-12 (5-3).

AT Tennessee Titans (Noon, CBS) – In a contest that was added to the Saints’ schedule as the 17th game, Titans RB Derrick Henry proves to be too much for a Saints defense lacking depth and a solid “fat man” defensive tackle to clog the middle.  The Titans play keep-away from Winston and the offense, and Henry poster-izes rookie LB Pete Werner on the goal line, marring an otherwise solid rookie season.  Saints lose, 24-17 (5-4).

AT Philadelphia Eagles (Noon, FOX) – The Saints defense takes revenge for 2020’s ugly road loss, forcing Eagles QB Jalen Hurts into committing 4 turnovers.  28-12 Saints (6-4).

VS Buffalo Bills (7:20 PM, NBC) – One of the most interesting matchups of the year gets a primetime Thanksgiving showcase.  It will go down as the highest-scoring game in NFL history, as the Saints escape a fantasy football addict’s dream behind 5 Jameis TD passes and 5 total TDs from Alvin Kamara, winning 65-62 (7-4).

VS Dallas Cowboys (7:20 PM, FOX/AMAZON PRIME) – The Saints are due for a major letdown, but Mike McCarthy and his disastrously winless Cowboys don’t deliver.  In an eerie parallel to fullback Mike Karney’s 3-touchdown game against Dallas in primetime in 2006, Alex Armah scores 4 times and goes viral when the new Saints FB blocks Dallas DE DeMarcus Lawrence so hard that his helmet shatters.  35-21 Saints (8-4).

AT New York Jets (Noon, FOX) – And now it’s time for the annual inexplicable Saints stinker.  On the road against the improved but still kinda hapless Jets, the Saints defense gets burned by rookie QB Zach Wilson and New Orleans falls, 27-21 (8-5).

AT Tampa Bay Bucs (7:20, NBC) – After Nick Underhill leaks the story of how Sean Payton ripped into the team in New York and made several players cry, the Saints show up guns blazing in the fourth of their five primetime games.  Brady is under intense pressure from the very first snap, and at one point is hit so hard by Cam Jordan that he pukes up grass like a dog.  Saints win 31-17 and take control of their own destiny in the NFC South (9-5).

VS Miami Dolphins (7:15, ESPN) – The Saints make it two in a row after downing Tua Tagovailoa and the playoff-bound Dolphins on a game-winning 51-yard field goal, 27-24 (10-5).  On The Point After, WWL Radio host Bobby Hebert infamously refers to the Miami QB as “Tua Notgonnaworkhereanymore.”

VS Carolina Panthers (Noon, FOX) – In what is becoming an annual tradition, the Saints drub the non-competitive Panthers in early January.  Fantasy football players are delighted to see Carolina RB Christian McCaffrey catch 17 passes in garbage time and LSU fans are delighted to see the Joe Brady experiment fail in the NFL.  An anonymous TAF member emerges from his secret hollowed-out volcano lair to post on Tigerdroppings that Brady is eyeing a return to LSU.  The Saints make it three in a row, toppling Carolina 31-13 (11-5).

AT Atlanta Falcons (Noon, FOX) – With the NFC South title on the line, Payton opts not to rest his starters in week 18 (barf) against the Falcons, who are no longer in playoff contention.  The result is a 63-3 massacre in which Jameis Winston becomes one of three QBs to shatter the single-season passing record in the new, 17-game season.  The Saints finish the year 12-5 with their fifth-straight NFC South Championship, Winston leads the NFL with 5,751 passing yards and Kamara scores 25 total TDs. NFL offenses explode in a season in which defensive starters rest more than usual because of the extra game, and TV ratings ratings go through the roof as a result.  

And I, of course, will be 100% correct about all of this.

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